Trust
Trust
“Jason, what did I tell you when you were little and didn’t know whom and what to Trust?”
“You told me to Trust in my own Heart. You told me that my Heart would show me what was True. And it did. You told me to listen to how I felt. Things that were Loving and True, would feel Loving and True. Things that weren’t, like lies and illusions, would feel some flavor of awful. OWN my feelings and to my OWN Heart be True.
Now that I‘m grown, I can see the difference between what you said and what my father was saying.
Allan always wanted me to trust him. Not you. Not myself. You said to trust in my own Heart. You guided me to the part of myself I could Trust, Always. You didn’t create any conflict over my way or your way. My will or your will. My interests or your interests. You told me I was in charge of choosing my own interests and told me you expected me to tell you what those interests were, so you could be supportive.”
“He asked for you to surrender your Sovereignty. I told you not to forget it. He asked you to sacrifice yourself and I asked you to share yourself. He asked for a relationship of competition. I asked for a relationship of cooperation. He wanted you to be an emotional dependent, while I knew your Heart longed for the Freedom of Sovereignty. Your own Heart told you betrayal was not in your best interests and you chose to listen.
Why?”
“Because with him I always felt afraid. Tense, like I never knew when the next mental or emotional blow would fall. He spent his time with me telling me in how many ways I wasn’t ’right’. Blaming you all of the time. He was always saying mean things about Bill and, telling me I didn’t have any real brothers or sisters.
I never will forget the time when I was 9 and sitting on the edge of my bed undergoing another one of his emotional tirades. He heard me mumbling ‘god help me’. He really blew then and started pounding me over the head about why would I expect God to listen to me? I didn’t even go to church.
Being around him was horrible. I felt awful about myself most of the time. And when I didn’t, he was quick to point out reasons why I should.”
“That’s why I told you to Trust your own heart, Dear. I knew what kind of man he was. I found out the hard way. The things he said were lies. That’s why they felt like lies when you imagined them. Lies can’t be lived. And the result of trying, is misery, emptiness and loneliness.
I’m a Mother. Like every Mom ever born, thoughts of insuring my child’s security were on my mind since the day you were born. I knew your father was mentally and emotionally abusive, however, our Society recognizes that as appropriate behavior. What was I, could I, do?
I knew that no matter how effectively I managed to control and manipulate your choices in Life, there would come a day when I wouldn’t be there for you. ‘Then how would I see to the safety of my child?’, I asked myself. The answer I got was to guide you to where you could Always find Loving Wisdom. Within your own Heart. You were a Child of God before you became a child of mine.”
“I remember you telling me to listen to my heart. You even told me whenever I was away from you and, missing you, to look into my own Heart and I would find you there. You know Mom, that’s exactly what I’ve done whenever I’m scared and you know what?”
“What?”
“The Voice in my heart sounds like your voice, Mom. That’s how I know you’re always with me.”
“That’s about the Greatest Honor you could ever give me, Honey.
It took Courage to walk such a path when you were so young. The kind of Courage that can only come from our Hearts. That’s why I guided you there.
I taught you to Be Sovereign. So you weren’t fooled by anyone’s denial of it. You knew Allan’s feelings were his own, just like you knew yours were yours. Knowing this, it didn’t matter how many tantrums he pulled, you weren’t about to accept the Guilt for him being filled with doubts about whether he was Loved. You knew the sooner he took accountability for feeling those doubts, the sooner he wouldn’t be filled with doubt.
You knew what Love felt like and what he expressed, wasn’t it. It was need. But I always said to you to Be Understanding in your consideration of him. He had never experienced Love himself. He just knew need. He had been taught that this feeling of need, was Love. That’s the lie his whole life has been spent living. And he simply wanted you to live that lie, too. Misery loves company.
For the longest time you looked to him for some kind of approval, some kind of indication or expression that he Loved you. It took a while but it finally dawned on you that you weren’t going to get anything from an empty bucket. Love, Respect, Approval and Consideration aren’t things he gives to himself, much less anyone else. He can’t give what he doesn’t have.
When you quit looking to him for it and, decided to Love yourself, Respect yourself, Approve of yourself and be Considerate of yourself, you found what you’d been missing.
But it didn’t come from his Heart.
It came from your own.
You discovered the Well of Life, the Living Fountain of Life, within you. You need never feel needy again.
Now you understand the personal hell of all of us that live in a constant state of denial. We feel needy. And you also understand why. Now you know your purpose.
You’re interest is in Engineering, just like mine once was. We’re builders. Building bridges.”
“I don’t understand Mom. Building bridges?”
“Bridges from the old to the new. Bridges from one train of thought to another. Imagine we’ve accepted a contract to build a bridge across a river. What’s one of the things we’re going to need to do?”
“Determine the conditions on the banks of both sides of the river.”
“OK, say we’ve already secured a foundation on the near side of the river.”
“Then we have to cross the river and see what the conditions are like there.”
“Why?”
“Because we‘re going to have to see what materials are available on the farthest shore in order to determine what kind of bridge we build.”
“Well, we’re there now and have determined there is an ample supply of nails and wood.”
“How do you know that Mom?”
“Because of all the crucifixions. Oh, didn’t I tell you? Guess not. We’re building a bridge spanning the River of Tears. One bank is called Heaven and the other, Hell. The majority of the World’s population lives in Hell but desires Heaven. Just isn’t sure how to get there. We’re blazing a trail, as well as, bridging the gap..
Without the experience of Hell, which Allan played a great role in delivering to you, you would not have learned the conditions on the banks of this river. Without knowing the conditions, you would not have known what you had to work with, nor had any ideas in mind, of what to do with it. Curse not your guide to Hell. Unlike him, you’ve had me to remind you of Heaven.
Hell, by definition, it is where the Love of God has not entered. It’s made up of the parts of ourselves we never liked. The parts we’re scared to face. The parts we’re ashamed to face. The parts we feel guilty about having. That’s Hell, rejected parts scattered all over. It’s where we nail our humanity to a cross until its dead.
No wonder we feel like we’re missing something but aren’t sure what. We’ve simply been looking in the wrong place. We’ve been looking to Heaven instead of to Hell. What we’re missing, what we feel we lack, what we feel we need in order to feel whole, fulfilled and complete, are all the parts of ourselves that we have rejected. It’s the Love of our Hearts that we’ve denied giving. To ourselves.
Nobody else nailed us to the cross. We’ve been hammering at ourselves every time we didn’t meet one of our imaginary conditions. When we begin climbing down from our crosses, all our dis-eased parts find solace and comfort. We quit hurting. We quit needing so very much, so very often. For when given Love, we discover we ‘have’ and no longer ‘need’ from others. And when this Love is extended freely, without conditions, there are no fears of it being withdrawn for reasons unknown. ”
“Then we use the wood and nails to build the bridge?”
“Then we remember how to walk on water. We use the nails as weights to fish and the wood to build a fire for warmth and cooking while going through the re-membering process. Turns out crossing the river is not the problem.”
“What?!”
“The problem is the gate.”
“What gate?”
“The gate to Hell. The gate to Heaven. Same ‘damn’ gate, just swings both ways. It’s the gate we’ve erected across our Hearts. The gate that keeps the Love of God from flowing freely into our lives. We’ve got to take down the gates and Allow Love to flow Unlimited, flooding the realms of our own personal Hells.”
“What did I tell you long ago I was here to do?”
“You said you were here to raise Hell. It sure sounded funny at the time. Hearing your Mom say she was going to raise Hell.”
“To ‘raise Hell’ is to lift it out of Darkness. To Love, what has been denied Love.
For an Unconditional God doesn’t create gated communities.
Always embraces All ways.
But raising Hell takes Courage. It takes Loyalty. It takes Devotion. It takes Dedication. And these qualities can only come from our Heart. Sovereignty of our own Kingdom is what we have betrayed, so it is essential We take it back.
As you learned, there are no issues of Trust, if we do not misplace our Trust to begin with.”
